MENTAL HEALTH: The trudgery of begrudgery

DURING sessions I see my clients make huge breakthroughs; they may gain clarity on something that has been swirling around their head for a period, or unlock some never realised confidence or become ready to take strong practical steps to change their future. However, I also often see them struggle with other people’s responses to their decisions.
As high as you may build our walls and as secure and safe as you may feel behind them, you can be almost certain that someone will come knocking to share their maybe somewhat different or completely opposing views or thoughts. This is not necessarily the most helpful experience when you are trying to take flight with all of your new learnings.
Sometimes, through no fault of their own, people struggle with seeing you doing well. ‘Doing well’ in this context means doing well in yourself. Maybe your behaviour has changed in that you are much more composed than you would have been in the past when responding to triggers. Or maybe you have started to introduce some meaningful practices, such as enjoying outside spaces more or turning to journaling and mindfulness. If this goes against someone’s understanding or preconceptions, their default reaction could be judgement or an effort to undermine your achievement.
The phrase ‘stay in your own lane’ might be used when someone attempts to reach the heights they are aspiring to and are capable of reaching. I always like to suggest to my clients that they veer left and right outside of their own lane on occasion, so they experience different perspectives that could be helpful. Humans are inherently fallible, and so a belief that you are correct 100 percent of the time is not really a well-rounded way to live.
If you want the people in your circle to be open to the way you are living your life, be mindful that you need to extend the same back to those people also. Everyone is on their own journey (forgive the most overused expression of the moment) and so we can only meet people where they are at a particular time.
Try to bear this in mind the next time you feel someone’s scepticism or disregard for something that is important to you coming through. Chances are they are just lacking the knowledge and understanding of your position, and that’s on them and not you. Instead of allowing their commentary negate all of the positive steps you have taken towards change, don’t waste your valuable energy on taking offence.
No matter how intelligent your are, what wonderful skills and qualities you possess, you don’t have the magical power to change people’s perceptions. With this in mind, work to keep the focus on yourself and your future. After all, the longest relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself, so if you’re happy and not causing harm to anybody else, direct your focus to that.

Sadhbh Dunne is a qualified life coach based in Westport. She is the founder of Ember Coaching (embercoaching.ie) and can be reached at sadhbh@embercoaching.