Fan the flames of your relationship

QUALITY TIME Setting time aside to nurture a relationship is vital if it is to last.

Mind Matters
Jannah Walshe

Go online and you can find hundreds if not thousands of articles, videos and blog posts on how to put the spark back into your relationship. These all assume that the spark – in other words, the honeymoon phase – is the best part of the relationship. When this is lost, the thinking goes, it is important to work hard to get it back or perhaps even to find a new relationship, one that has more spark! I don’t agree that this is always necessary.
If we think of a fire, the spark is needed, in fact it is essential, to get the fire started. Fire is both positive and negative with the potential to do a lot of good or a lot of harm. In a home a fire can provide warmth, light and a cosy atmosphere. If looked after correctly, given attention and fuel it will continue to be a positive force within the household. But a fire also has the potential to rage out of control and burn a home down from the inside out. Or a fire can go out and leave a house cold and dark, and requiring a new spark to start a new fire.
The initial spark in a relationship is felt as excitement, anticipation and connection. This first spark has the potential to turn into a long-term sustainable relationship – a fire comprised of several embers: warmth, love, respect, connection, stability and support. The fire within a relationship can at any time die down or go out. This happens when the relationship is not given the attention it needs to keep burning.
If the fire has merely died down, a whole new spark is not needed. The relationship may just need a bit of attention to maintain it into the long term. Here are some tips.

Plan surprises
Plan a surprise for your partner. Spend quality time doing something you both enjoy, whether that’s going for a drink or dinner, seeing a show, taking a walk, going away for a weekend. It will show your partner that you care enough to make time for them and it will bring a freshness into the relationship. You don’t have to go far from home or spend a lot of money to do this.

Touch often
Holding hands, making sure to give each other a hug or a kiss daily, and sitting close together on the sofa all help to feel connected, supported and comforted.

Spend time separately
Try not to spend every minute together. Have your own interests and give each other space from time to time.

Shake it up
To sustain the fire in your relationship, don’t expect things to be the same as in the early days, remember to shake things up consistently and find small pockets of time for yourself and for each other.

>  Jannah Walshe is a counsellor and psychotherapist based in Castlebar and Westport. A fully accredited member of The Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, she can be contacted via www.jannahwalshe.ie, or at info@jannahwalshe.ie or 085 1372528.