Let’s talk about feelings

GOOD TO TALK However much we ignore them or hide them away, feelings will find their way out somehow

Mental Health
Jannah Walshe

We can’t tell someone what’s inside our handbag if we don’t know what’s in there ourselves. It’s the same with feelings. We need to figure out how we feel inside before we can tell anyone else. When asked how we are, we typically say we are ‘alright’, ‘grand’, ‘okay’ or ‘fine’, without giving it too much thought. Our vocabulary around feelings can become very limited.
An inability to express and deal with feelings can lead to stress, which, when experienced over a long period of time, can lead to stress-related illnesses or a variety of unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as the excessive use of medications or the reliance on addictive substances to relax.

Feel it
However much we ignore them or hide them away, feelings will find their way out somehow. Young children often instinctively know how to express their feelings, let go and finish with a situation. They cry, throw a tantrum, cling to an adult, describe what happened or do whatever needs to be done to release the distress. This allows the child to be able to move on freely to the next experience.
This is the same logic behind the everyday notion of ‘having a good cry because it will make you feel better’ or getting things ‘off one’s chest’ to ease the difficulty. The same process is seen again and again in counselling, when getting in touch with the feeling, naming it and expressing it, helps in letting the feeling go and moving on with other aspects of life.
It’s important to be able to talk about our feelings, both positive and negative. If we’re able to tell people about the positive feelings we have, to thank them when they help us feel good or to show our love for others and our appreciation or admiration, it helps both them and us. Articulating and sorting out difficult feelings – sadness, anger, disappointment – might be  more difficult to do, but it is no less important.
Instead of trying to ignore or block out how you feel, try to ‘feel the feeling’ and ask yourself why you could be feeling this way now. It is not necessary to take any action, but if it’s a distressing feeling that you are experiencing over time and it’s impacting on your life, it could be beneficial to tell someone about it.

Ease the load
The act of saying how we are feeling can ease the load we are carrying inside. It is like a pressure valve, some of the pressure is released on naming that feeling to someone else. It also allows us to be more connected to that person and breaks the isolation that comes with keeping our feelings to ourselves. The person we speak to may also be able to offer some help, support, advice or a different perspective.
If the person doesn’t understand what you mean straight away, try explaining it a different way or give an example of what’s concerning you. It can be useful to expand the range of words you have to describe feelings. For example anger can be annoyance, irritation, frustration, resentment, fury, rage or hate. Sadness can be heartbreak, heavy heartedness, grief, depression, loneliness, emptiness, remorse, despair or hurting.

Own it
When expressing your feelings, it is important to do it the right way. Often people hand over responsibility for their feelings.
Expressing feelings requires you to take ownership of those feelings, rather than putting the blame onto someone else. When speaking about feelings learn to say ‘I feel …’ or ‘I am …’. This way, you can get to reap the benefits of healthy emotional expression.
The ability to communicate feelings can be strengthened through practice, so come on, let’s get practising! Challenge yourself to express how you feel once this week, twice next week and so on. I would love to hear from you. So … how are you?

For more on expressing feelings, visit www.letsomeoneknow.ie/Continuum/Tips/Voice-your-feelings.html.

Jannah Walshe is a counsellor and psychotherapist based in Castlebar and Westport. A fully accredited member of The Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, she can be contacted via www.jannahwalshe.ie, or at info@jannahwalshe.ie or 085 1372528.