“Valerie was the most thoughtful person I knew” - Mayo friends remember Valerie French on her anniversary

“The only measure of your worth is the love you leave when you’re gone.”

A handwritten note with these words was stuck on Valerie French’s fridge. These handwritten paraphrased lyrics are one of many poignant insights into the mother-of-three that jumps out from 'For Valerie', a new book by her brother, David French.

The immeasurable amount of love she left behind is keenly felt in Mayo; the county she called her home for over ten years, where she started her family and where she had a wide circle of friends.

It is six years this week since Valerie was murdered by her husband, James Kilroy, outside her home at Kilbree, a short distance from Westport.

Heather, her best friend since university, tells The Mayo News that Valerie was most happy to be herself, most comfortable in her own skin.

“She bought that out in everyone. She just made you feel like she could see parts of you that you didn't know you had. This was her quality, and this was the quality she could bring out in everyone. This is a healing quality that she would give to her patients as an Occupational Therapist.”

Self-assured nature

Maria, a Mayo-based friend, recalls Valerie's self-assured nature: “When she went to the dentist to have her front tooth replaced, the dentist put in the tooth without her natural gap. She was quite unhappy with this. I loved that she appreciated the feature that was part of her, not conforming to beauty standards.

“Val had such a different outlook on life. She was like no one you would meet. I miss her hand gestures and laugh. There are so many scenarios where I think if Val was alive, she’d be here dancing beside me or she’d love this. When I was with Valerie, the conversations would involve a lot of laughing, maybe going deep and back to some silly off-beat thing. I am glad I have mint from her garden. A small bit of something that she grew and loved.”

“Valerie was the most thoughtful person I knew”, Sheona, another Mayo friend, asserts.

She looks back fondly at their last meal together: “We sat out and talked about life, everything was home made, the cucumber relish, the soup, the brown bread. There was thought behind everything, even the bowls we used and the table we sat at reflected her values - the table was designed to allow anyone in a wheelchair to join easily.

“For dessert we had marble cake, which I hadn’t had since I was a child. She laughed and said she had got the recipe from her mum, as she had loved it so much when she was young, and she wanted her boys to have the same experience of childhood she did. She showed me around the house and told me of the plans that were being made, the craft she was working on, the Airbnb business she was running. It was entirely a life well lived with purpose and meaning, dealing with challenges with grace. I miss her personally and I miss knowing that she is in the world making her contribution.”

Heather, remembers a beautiful late afternoon at The Sheebeen out the Quay in Westport, watching the sun set on the water with Valerie. A big fan of music and dancing, they then went to Matt Molloy’s for a live music session.

Beach walks

Walking the beach, especially Lecanvey beach, Old Head Beach or Bertra beach, was among Valerie’s favourite things to do.

“I often think of Valerie when I see the dolphins. Their fun playful nature reminds me of her,” her friend Edel remarks.

Joking that Valerie was sea swimming before it was trendy, Edel remembers getting a call early one Saturday morning in the depths of winter: “She wanted to go for a sea swim! We agreed to meet at Lecanvey pier. Valerie showed up in a 1970s wet suit with no sleeves in her camper van. This was typical Valerie! We both laughed very hard at her wet suit! We had a dip in the sea on a very cold winter morning! We felt exhilarated after and vowed to do it again soon. We had a flask of herbal tea after, Valerie said it was decadent!”

The vibrancy and energy Valerie brought to the team is one of the first things that comes to mind for Edwina Rushe, who used to share a desk with her at the Mayo Mental Health services.

“Valerie was easy to connect with and she truly tried to understand a person's unique perspectives, like what life is like for them”.

She tried to step into her patients shoes and meet them where they were.   

“All of our colleagues that knew and loved her commissioned a bench to be in the rural training centre in Castlebar.”

“Valerie was always inspiring and I always came away with enriched perspectives from talking to her about occupational therapy”, Heather says. 

Sheona says Valerie’s primary motivation was providing the most amazing childhood for her boys. “The saddest thing about everything is how this was stolen from them and her. I can believe her last words and thoughts were about the boys as she built her life around them.”

'Valerie's Law'

Her boys are a primary focus for her brother David too. He is campaigning for 'Valerie’s Law' to change what he calls a “very obvious loophole in the law which means that killers retain their guardianship of shared children despite conviction.

“The idea of 'Valerie’s Law' is to make life simpler for everyone, including Tusla, by suspending guardianship of a killer at least when there's a verdict and recognise the fact that killing a mother is child abuse.”

There are currently two draft bills of 'Valerie's Law' that are due to go to the second stage at the Oireachtas Justice Committee, including one from the Minister for Justice.

David's book 'For Valerie' details the experience of David and the rest of Valerie’s family in the face of “the dead hand of an uncomprehending state” and how they felt they “were considered optional extras” when it came to involvement with their nephews/grandsons.

He would like to see more support put in place for victims' families as the average person doesn't know anything about the legal system or the media.

Another aim of the book is that “even one woman will read it and recognise the pattern of behaviour, either in her own partner or a friend’s partner, and realise what can and does happen in this situation.”

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If you have been affected by any of the issues in this article, call Women's Aid on Freephone 1800 341900, email helpline@womensaid.ie or see womensaid.ie

READ MORE: Mayo man found guilty of murdering his wife in Westport