Answering the machine’s call

Answering the machine’s call


C’mere ‘til I tell ya
Daniel Carey

THERE’S a great story in Alastair Campbell’s book ‘The Blair Years’ in which the former spin doctor recalls a meeting between Tony Blair and Gordon Brown in 1994. It took place shortly after the death of John Smith, and concerned who should replace the Scot as leader of the British Labour Party. The setting was the Edinburgh home of Blair’s old school friend Nick Ryden.
“TB [Tony Blair] was clear he should stand because he felt that was the best chance for the party, but GB [Gordon Brown] was not convinced,” wrote Campbell. “At one point, GB went to the toilet. Minutes passed and TB was sitting twiddling his thumbs and even wondered if GB had done a runner. Eventually the phone went. TB left it, so then the answering machine kicked in and GB’s disembodied voice came on: ‘Tony, it’s Gordon. I’m locked in the toilet.’ They both ended up laughing about it. TB went upstairs and said: ‘You’re staying in there til you agree.’
An answering machine also features in another story from Campbell’s book, which is based on extracts from the diaries he kept during his time working for the Labour Party. This tale involves former Australian Prime Minister Paul Keating, who was still in power when Blair met him in 1995. Keating had a reputation for straight talking (he once told a political opponent who was criticising him, “Calm down before you have a heart attack – don’t forget I knew you when you had grey hair”). So it was, perhaps, no surprise that the Aussie told Blair and Campbell that once he stepped down as Prime Minister, he planned to have an answering machine with the message: ‘You have reached the office of ex-Prime Minister Paul Keating. Now f*** off and leave me alone!”
One woman who could have benefited greatly from an answering machine was the audience member who ruined a stage production of Cyrano de Bergerac while speaking on her mobile phone during Kevin Kline’s death speech. Kline was so immersed in character that he blocked out the chatter in the third row, but when he came off-stage, co-star Jennifer Garner told him that while he was ‘dying’ on-stage, the thoughtless theatre-goer had been finalising her dinner plans at full volume.
“Apparently this lady’s cellphone rang just as I was doing my last speech about my life being meaningful because of panache, and what have you,” Kline said recently. “As I’m going on, she hears the phone ring; she picks it up and she says: ‘Yeah, no, I’m still here ... He’s lying down. It’s going to be over soon. Yeah, it’s Jennifer. Yeah, Kevin Kline and Jennifer Garner. Yeah, no, he’s dying. I’ll be a couple more minutes. I’ll be there. I’ll be there. Just wait. You can order for me. Yeah. Okay. He’s dead. He’s dead. Oh, the curtain came down. Okay. I’ll be right there.’
“If I had heard that, I would have sped up the whole death thing. It’s annoying as all hell.”