HEALTH When a parent has a mental health issue

SUPPORT NEEDED?When the stability of home life is threatened, it can throw up a huge range of emotions for children.

When a parent has a mental health issue


Mental matters
Jannah Walsh

Dealing with mental illness or any mental health problem is already challenging. Add to it trying to be an adequate parent, and an already difficult situation is compounded. There are no winners when a parent has a mental health issue. The parent themselves, their spouse or partner and their children suffer. For the child, home life can seem chaotic and uncertain. Children thrive in stable secure environments, and when that stability is threatened, it can throw up a huge range of emotions for them.  

Fear
When a child doesn’t understand what is going on but can sense that there is something not quite right, it can mean they worry and afraid of what may happen. They see that their household is different to their friends’, but they lack the understanding to make sense of it all. Also, if things are chaotic as a result of the mental health problems, the child will find it hard to find their footing and can become hyperaware – always on alert in order to get a sense of control over what’s happening. This is where a person’s ability to read a room or a person becomes extremely developed out of a necessity to be able to gain understanding of their environment immediately.
The child may also feel fearful for their parent, worrying if they are going to be okay and hoping that things won’t get worse. And if the parent, as a result of their mental health issues, is sometimes angry, depressed, anxious, upset or suicidal, it can be scary and unpredictable for the child.

Anger
It is very natural for the child to feel angry about the situation and also towards their parent. They may feel that their parent is not trying hard enough to get better or not making any effort to put them first. In some situations, extra responsibilities fall to the child, such as housework or caring for others in the household. They can resent not getting the same time for themselves as their peers do.
 
Embarrassment
The child can wonder why this had to happen to them. They may not understand it all properly, but know that they feel different to others. Therefore they may not want to speak about it to anyone or invite others to their house out of feelings of embarrassment. They may have picked up some of the more negative connotations of mental illness, such as ‘crazy’, ‘mad’ or ‘loony’, and this stigma will exacerbate their embarrassment.

Blame
A child will very often blame themselves for things that are happening at home. This is compounded if their parent’s emotions are volatile and the child may feel they are to blame for their parent’s anger, sadness and stress, for example. It is common for the child to then change their own behaviour in slight ways to try and keep home life as calm as possible. This may include them keeping their own feelings bottled up in an effort not to trigger any reaction in their parent.

Sadness
It is only natural that a child at some point will feel sad both for themselves and for their parent. They are sad to see their parent suffering and also sad that they have to go through this experience to. The relationship between them can be affected because of the strain or divide the mental health issue puts on them and this is a cause for sadness also.
 
What to do?
Routine, consistency and stability are key ingredients for a happy and healthy child. Regardless of what else is going on around them, if these are present, they will be able to thrive despite any mental health struggles within the family.
However, this is easier said than done when a parent may already be struggling to put these things in place for themselves. This is when it is important to have people around that can provide the support needed. This may be a spouse or partner, extended family members or professional support services. Having other people that the child can also rely on provides that level of consistency that is needed for them. That is not to say that they don’t need or want their parent but by showing them when it is important to look after themselves, when to seek help and when to put themselves first in order to be more available to their parent, they learn valuable life lessons.
It is not helpful or necessary to appoint blame for the impact the mental-health problems may be having on the child. No one goes looking for a mental health problem, much less one that affects their child. What is helpful is to have awareness and understanding for what the child may be feeling and, if possible, provide for or find support for them.

For more information visit www.mentalhealthireland.ie/information/finding-support.

Jannah Walshe is a counsellor and psychotherapist based in Castlebar and Westport. A fully accredited member of The Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, she can be contacted via www.jannahwalshe.ie, or at jannahwalshe@yahoo.com or 085 1372528.