HEALTH Rebooting a relationship

BRIDGING THE GAP?Couples who drift apart can rekindle the connection that they once had.

Rebooting a relationship


Mental Health
Jannah Walsh

In the iconic American TV show ‘Sex and the City’, one of Carrie Bradshaw’s famous quotes was: ‘After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot’. And in my experience this is what people most often do.
We are actually very resilient even if sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. We learn to cope in whatever way we can with whatever life throws at us. Within relationships this is also true.
As time goes on relationships change and develop and partners learn to adapt and develop to meet these changes. Problems arise when these changes do not happen and the relationship stagnates. A couple can very easily become used to issues that are developing within the relationship and very often turn a blind eye to them.
This is were the Carrie Bradshaw quote comes in. How often, as a couple, do you breathe and reboot? Reboot could mean re-evaluating, starting anew, taking a fresh look at, or changing to meet the new demands of the relationship.
When I write about issues within the relationship, I am not solely referring to major this-is-the-end-of-the-relationship-type issues. All too often within a committed relationship, there can be underlying, unresolved issues that can show up in the form of a distance or gulf that has grown between the couple.
If you are one of these committed couples who have drifted away from your initial vows to love and treasure each other forever, please understand that your current state is not at all unusual.
Most people marry or commit to each other with the best of intentions to live out their lives together, believing that their love is strong enough to overcome all the challenges that life will bring. However, something can happen along the way, and they can stop noticing each other fully and lose some of that deep connectedness that existed previously.  
A couple who once loved each other passionately can be left wishing that the other would notice them again. This couple may have become deeply entrenched in practicality and security, and the original love bond has become more of a platonic friendship.
This is not all negative. It is natural for a relationship to change and evolve as time passes. The companionship, shared experiences, respect, commitment and comfort that develops is not to be disregarded. But if I was to ask you, “If you weren’t married or in a relationship right now, how likely would it be that you would choose each other again?” If you hesitate, struggle to find the answer or say no, why is this? Most often people say that they have drifted apart and that one or both of them no longer work at the relationship.

What you can do
If you are in a relationship that has seen the significant connection you once knew and promised each other become replaced with comfort and predictability, how can you find that connection again? And what tools could you use to stop this happening again?
The first step is to have a check-in. Ideally this would happen once a year. As a couple, openly and honestly face any disappointments either of you may have and look at how these could be addressed. You could help each other view the past year and evaluate what you have done, what resources were depleted in the process and what you need to do to repair any damage.
If you love each other still but have forgotten how to show it to each other, try doing the following exercise together. Separately, write your answers the following questions, then share them. Take your time and answer as honestly as you can.

• What did you most love about me when we married or committed to each other?
• Why did you think I chose you?
• What were your dreams then for us?
• What have you felt have been some of our most precious moments over the years?
• What experiences have pushed us apart?
• What do you still love most about me?
• How would you like me or the relationship to be different?
• If you could have any kind of future with me now, what would it be like?
• What are your disappointments in our relationship?
• What would make you feel more alive and excited about our life together?

This exercise forces a type of reboot. It makes a couple re-evaluate where the relationship currently is and identify the changes needed to reconnect on a deeper level. Understand that this exercise may not be easy for your partner. Ideally, both of you will approach this exercise with respect and caring and will engage in making any changes needed to meet the next 12 months as a reinvigorated couple. However, if doing this exercise has raised issues for you as a couple, do not hesitate to get the help and support you need.  

Jannah Walshe is a counsellor and psychotherapist based in Castlebar and Westport. A pre-accredited member of The Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, she can be contacted via  www.jannahwalshe.ie or at 085 1372528.