Incest, a sordid secret

Incest, a sordid secret


With State and Church abuse back in the headlines, The Mayo News goes behind the closed doors of family sexual abuse

Aine Ryan
aineryan@mayonews.ie

WHETHER it is sexual abuse, clerical abuse, paedophilia, assault or rape, there is one certainty: there is always a victim. In recent years, we have become all too familiar with the sordid details of both Church and State abuse, the latest of which, the McAleese Report into the Magdalene Laundries, has opened up yet another set of deep wounds inflicted on the most vulnerable in our society by those in power.
But now as Taoiseach Enda Kenny apologises to the survivors of the Magdalene laundries, perhaps it is time to ensure there is transparency about all types of sexual exploitation in our society .
After all it is over 25 years since dioceses around the country took out insurance policies to cover themselves against allegations of clerical child sex abuse. In the interim there has been the Ferns Report (2005), the Ryan Report (2009), the Murphy Report (2009) and the Cloyne Report (2011). Dramatically, the Ryan Report found that sexual and psychological abuse was ‘endemic’ in Catholic-run industrial schools and orphanages in Ireland for most of the 20th century. And, now, former Senator Martin McAleese’s report on the Magdalene Laundries has caused the latest public outcry in a – seemingly – endless litany of institutional abuse.
What about when this sordid exploitation of power happens within the family home? What about when sexual abuse takes place where children are supposed to be at their safest? What about the fact that incest remains a significant but secret problem in our so-called sophisticated society?
Longtime Director of Mayo Rape Crisis Centre, Ruth McNeely has confirmed to The Mayo News that familial sexual abuse continues to be a hidden problem in all strata of our society. Moreover, it is a problem that is often hidden from the authorities and agencies that can offer professional support and guidance.
She explains that there is a culture of silence, a culture of disbelief and a culture of shame around family abuse.

Third generation abuse
“I WOULD maintain that it is as difficult now as it was in the past to disclose abuse, if it is within the family. Here in the Mayo Rape Crisis Centre we are now working with the third generation of abuse within some families, from both urban and rural backgrounds. There is a serious problem in our society.”
She continues: “People think they can sort this from within the family. They think if they are vigilant of the perpetrator they can stop the abuse happening. But the sexual offender is always ahead of us, planning and grooming his or her victim.”
Ruth McNeely says that because the vast majority of people find even the thought of the abuse of a child reprehensible, we find it incredulous.
“The fact of the matter is that abusers want to do it,” she says.
Research shows that abuse usually starts during adolescence, possibly because  offenders get stuck in their sexual or emotional development, or they have been abused themselves. Studies also reveal if the abuser is identified in their teenage years, it is easier to stop them but it becomes much harder if they are older.
“They are absolutely in denial at this stage and it is an enormous task to break that. They say to themselves, the child likes this or it doesn’t do any harm, or ‘I am the only person who ever showed them love’,” Ruth explains.
“I’ve heard perpetrators say that all they need is to get a child’s trust and they will take as long as they need to get it. They will always choose the child carefully, it is usually the solitary or lonely, vulnerable child,” she reveals.
Ruth McNeely cites a hypothetical but typical case to explain how insidious this form of abuse is. 
“Hypothetically, a woman comes to us because her father started to abuse her daughter. She ultimately admits she was abused by him too but thought she would never let it happen to her children. That is why it is absolutely essential that the secret must be broken. That is why I believe the HSE and the gardaí must be made aware of the abuse as soon as possible.”
She stresses that all sexual violence must be viewed as a crime.
“It is very healing for a victim to know that society says this is wrong; it is a crime and all citizens are entitled to a safe journey through life.”

Family shame
REFERRING to the recent high-profile case of Fiona Doyle who faced her elderly and ill abuser father in court, Ruth observes that this case clearly shows how  the reality of facing the truth was simply too much for Fiona’s  mother, who stood by the man who abused her child throughout.
“My compassion is for the child that was Fiona Doyle and how abandoned and isolated she was while I have compassion for both parents also. But there is such betrayal of a child who sees a parent take the side of the abuser.”
It must always be remembered, says Ruth, that once there is abuse in the family, there is more than one victim. She suggests that the victim, who is still the victim as opposed to a survivor, is not realistic in their belief that they were the perpetrator’s sole victim.
Poignantly she remarks: “The family is the best place and the most dangerous place to bring up a child.”

Healing
MANY victims have left the Mayo Rape Crisis Centre healed but that journey is never a short one. When they are healed they become ‘incredible advocates’ for the community, for other vulnerable victims.
“When we look at Fiona Doyle’s father – or think of the late Brendan Smyth – we say ‘Monster’ and that helps us distance ourselves from them. But the perpetrator doesn’t have monster written on their foreheads. He or she can be anybody,” she explains
It is also important to note that neither status nor wealth precludes abuse within the family, although poverty and neglect may predispose children to being vulnerable. Indeed, having money helps to cover up more.

Statistics
Mayo Rape Crisis Centre
2011
20 per cent of clients were survivors of incest
54 per cent were adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse

2012
18 per cent were survivors of incest
43 per cent were adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse

NEXT WEEK The harrowing story of one Mayo woman who was sexually abused by her brother.

HAVE YOUR SAY email aineryan@mayonews.ie with your comments