LIFE ADVICE ‘No’ is a complete sentence

‘No’ is a complete sentence


Mind Matter
Regina  Cunnane

Saying no is a very difficult thing for most people. It’s difficult to refuse another person their wishes. A woman said to me once, “‘No’ is a complete sentence.” She was right. So why do we almost always follow it up with excuses and reasons, both true and false, to make it more palatable to the other person?
Recently, I was working with a client who was trying to make a decision about whether he would spend his day off with his mother, who needed him to do some work for her in the garden, or go and visit his daughter, who also needed him to help with moving house. He had to say no to one of them.
When we looked at his alternatives it surprised me to discover he didn’t even for a split second stop to ask himself which one HE would like to do. He had completely written himself out of the script. His desire to be liked and appreciated overruled his desire to satisfy himself.
We also find it hard to say no because we think it’s bad manners. Nobody wants to be so harsh or abrupt in dealing with others. And when we do muster up the courage to say no, we try to soften the blow by making excuses and giving explanations. While in lots of ways it’s a commendable trait to be mindful of the feelings of others, sometimes we go to far. What happens to our ‘no’ when we make excuses after we say it? Very often it gets lost, and becomes ineffectual.
So, is it possible to say no and just leave it at that? Yes! If we have decided in our heads beforehand that we are going to say no, then we can get comfortable with the end result of the conversation. Practice in your own mind how the conversation is going to go.
Take the conversation to its conclusion and see how you feel. Guilty? The need to explain yourself? Worried the other person won’t like you anymore?
If you answer yes to these questions, you are putting the other person’s needs before your own. In some cases that’s appropriate, but a lot of the time it is wise to see to your own needs first. Ask yourself, is being liked more important to you than looking after yourself? You know what the answer to that question should be.

Regina Cunnane is a qualified counsellor/psychotherapist. You can email her with your questions in complete confidence at reginacunnane@mayonews.ie.