DAD DIARY: That sense of dread

The sense of dread you can feel when you’re a parent is like nothing you’ve ever experienced before.
Parents of older children will tell you it never leaves you.
I hit a new level of dread last week, and I am still not right after it.
I was minding the kids after Aisling went visiting. We are always very clear on who closes the gates in such a scenario. I said I would when we went back outside.
But out we went, and I got distracted. I forgot.
I was with Frankie in the shed at the back of the house when the realisation hit me – the f***ing gates!
I feared the worst. What wasn’t in doubt was that Séimí had gone through them. He is two and a half and could spot a half-open gate from a mile away.
The only question was the level of danger.
I’d say it took me less than ten seconds from the realisation of the escape route to finding him, smiling walking back along the road towards our house. A scary amount of thoughts went through my head in that time.
Surely no horn or braking noise was a good sign? But what if something happened before I got there? How busy will the road be this evening? It’s quiet most days but good weather like today will always bring more traffic.
How did I get so distracted? I’m always aware of whether the gates are open or not.
How long might he be gone and how far might he have gotten? We were outside less than five minutes. I’m not sure if it was two or four minutes. I don’t know how many of those Séimí was gone for. Probably most of them.
Which way will I look when I go out the gate? Because, in my mind then, that could be a life or death decision. For some reason I chose left.
All these thoughts flew around my head. I dashed out the gate, sprinting faster than I have in years.
I looked left. No sign.
I looked right and there he was walking back towards the house with a smile on his face.
I’d love to say the predominant emotion there and then was relief.
But it wasn’t. The sense of dread lingered. It still does. Guilt too. What ifs about what could have happened.
There and then I held him close to me and didn’t want to let go.