A emergency response

Emergency response: the handbook

How I learned to stop worrying and love Sellafield

Sketch
Daniel Carey

IN August last year, I was recovering from an operation in hospital when a disturbing television news report caught my eye. Still woozy from the anaesthetic, I donned my glasses and read the words which dominated the lower half of the screen: ‘Explosion at Sellafield Nuclear Power Plant’. This was quickly followed by a further update: ‘State of Emergency declared in the Republic of Ireland’. Spotting a male orderly who seemed to be the only other person watching the TV, I said: “When did this happen? Are we in any danger?” About 30 seconds of silence ensued before he concluded: “I think it’s made up.”
Thus ended my ‘War Of The Worlds’ moment, and my broken arm was put into perspective. We had, in fact, just stumbled upon ‘Fallout’, a fictional drama made in the style of a documentary which explored what might happen in Ireland if Sellafield blew its top.
So when the Government publication ‘Preparing For Major Emergencies: An Introduction’ popped through the letterbox last week, the first section I turned to was the one dealing with nuclear incidents. And you know what? It seems there’s nothing to worry about at all. If there is an accident at a nuclear plant abroad (the ‘S’ word is never mentioned), the handbook’s authors assure us, ‘the radiation doses would not be high enough to cause any immediate health effects’. Makes you wonder why successive Irish governments have campaigned against Sellafield at all. In fact, the main advice in the event of a nuclear incident appears to be: watch television. ‘Go in, stay in, tune in’, the handbook recommends, although it’s not suggested that you put on a DVD of ‘Dr Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb’.
‘Preparing For Major Emergencies: An Introduction’ is not quite as entertaining as the 1964 movie starring Peter Sellers, but it’s not a bad way to while away half an hour. If there’s an award for the highest number of blindingly obvious statements in one publication, this has to be a shoe-in. Among my personal favourites are: ‘Don’t try to walk or drive through floodwater’, ‘Influenza … should not be confused with a cold’, and ‘If you find yourself near an explosion, get out of the vicinity/building as quickly and calmly as possible’.
Among the factors which are listed as implying that you may be in possession of a suspicious package are ‘visible wiring or batteries’. Presumably if a terrorist has been stupid enough to leave the component parts of his/her letter-bomb in plain sight (and An Post have been negligent enough to send it on), there’s every chance that he/she has also included a return address.
Of course, it’s easy to laugh when, as Bertie Ahern acknowledges in the introduction, ‘there is no reason to think that a major emergency is likely in the immediate future’. But the publication does carry some useful advice, including an inventory of things to put into an ‘emergency kit’. Along with stuff all boy scouts will be familiar with (battery-operated radio, torch, first aid kit), this list also includes ‘games for young children’ – recognition, perhaps, that for some kids, being without their PlayStation is a much bigger crisis than an impending nuclear holocaust.
While the content of the booklet is also available in Chinese, Polish, Russian, large print and Braille, the version which was dropped into houses last week is in English and Irish. This is to comply with the Official Languages Act 2003, but its bilingual nature has caused some controversy. “The booklet spent several days, Irish side up, on my kitchen table until curiosity finally got the better of me and I realised it wasn’t some sort of pro-Irish advertisement,” one man commented on the Irish Times website. But there is one thing worth noting in the Irish section – the Taoiseach’s Christian name as Gaeilge is Parthalán, who according to legend, was the first man in Ireland after the biblical flood. Who better, then, to lead us through a national emergency? Pity he’s retiring next week.