Hurrah for age

Grey is the new blonde

Musings
Sonia Kelly

You know what, a recent survey shows that the aged are all set to inherit the earth. Finally, the Grey Panthers are about to come into their own.
Right now, OAPs (or, as in my case, VOCs) are constantly being discriminated against – despised, really – so that it’s actually embarrassing to be past the first flush of youth. If you can’t shin up Mount Everest or run non-stop across China you’re considered to be zilch.
But pretty soon this situation will be reversed and youthism will be the crime of the future. You see, at present in Ireland there are six young people to every OAP, but this is predicted to change to less than two to one within the next 35 years. Obviously. this heralds a great improvement in affairs of state and in the general conducting of everyday life.
For a start, the number of wars worldwide will decrease. It’s one thing to instigate a confrontation, but be sure that no OAPs will be off to the battle grounds wielding guns, and the few young people left will be too useful at home doing all the dirty work to be sent off to their deaths. This, of course, will spare the children, which some governments employ in their armies - the overall decline in fertility will make them too rare to waste. We don’t hear of too many OAPs in the role of suicide bombers, either, so we can expect fewer explosions among the civilian population.
Neither are older people prone to going about their business, armed with knives, indulging in street warfare, so the towns should be safer places – and cleaner ones, too. How many of the elderly do you see masticating gum and subsequently depositing it on the pavement? Not to mention the end results of binge drinking!
Death on the roads will be virtually a thing of the past, because responsibility comes with age and wheelchairs are not nearly as lethal as high-powered motor vehicles.
It seems to be mainly the young who are addicted to drugs, so all the violence associated with their consumption will be no more. Any of the young who are tempted to indulge will surely be dissuaded by the overpowering odds.
Just think of the changes in society this reversal of the age status will bring about. Far fewer police will be needed, which means the necessity for judges will also diminish, and solicitors.
Prisons will probably become redundant and can be turned into hospitals for the aged, depending on what ‘aged’ actually means. Going by reports from Japan, it could mean anything up to 107 years. At this age, one can reasonably expect to be in hospital. Although, perhaps not, given the recent success of creating stem cells from monkeys and the potential use of them to replace worn out parts. Presumably people will eventually live forever, which will eliminate the necessity for breeding and everybody will become wiser and wiser, as experience unfolds.
So, no funeral homes in time to come, nor obsequies for the dead, which will include masses for them, unless these can all be re-directed to previous victims of old age. Couturiers will have to change their focus, too. No more décolletage down to the navel or other titillating garments, and grey or white hair will become the new blonde.
Sport is something else that will change drastically over the years. Team games will have to be phased out, as it will be increasingly impossible to muster the numbers, the elderly favouring such activities as bowls and darts.
Anyway, the remaining youths will really be too busy to undergo training for sporting events – too busy looking after their elders, who are keeping the planet on course...