FILM The Mayo News Alternative Movie Awards for 2013

The Mayo News Alternative Movie Awards for 2013


Cinema
Daniel Carey

WE’VE had good times and bad times at the cinema during the past 12 months, but as we prepare to ring in the New Year, we’ve decided to focus on the positive. Here then are The Mayo News Alternative Movie Awards for 2013.
The Best Question-and-Answer Session comes in ‘Frozen’, the recently released Disney musical adaptation of Hans Christian Andersen’s ‘The Snow Queen’. Sceptical about the suppose ‘true love’ between Princess Anna of Arendelle and Prince Hans of the Southern Isles, mountain man Kristoff (Jonathan Groff) asks her: “What’s his last name?” Anna (Kristen Bell) replies: “Of the Southern Isles”. Kristoff continues his grilling about the man she has agreed to marry after spending only a few hours together. “Best friend’s name?” he wonders. “Probably John,” comes the response.
The Best Retort appears in JJ Abrams’s sequel ‘Star Trek: Into Darkness’. “You giving me attitude, Spock?” asks Captain Kirk’s mentor Admiral Pike (Bruce Greenwood). Spock (Zachary Quinto) replies: “I’m expressing multiple attitudes simultaneously. To which are you referring?”
The runner-up in this category comes from Quentin Tarantino’s ‘Django Unchained’. Told during a shoot-out “I count six shots, nigger”, the eponymous slave (Jamie Foxx) replies: “I count two guns, nigger!” and then produces them to devastating effect.
The Best One-Liner features in ‘Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa’, as Steve Coogan’s best-known creation makes the leap to the big screen. We could choose from many of the title character’s observations, but have plumped for: “You can keep Jesus – as far as I’m concerned, Neil Diamond will always be the king of the Jews!”
That comes in just ahead of an incident from another TV adaptation – this one a bit closer to home, in the form of ‘The Hardy Bucks Movie’. At a funeral home, Eddie (Martin Maloney) hands Salmon (Michael Salmon) a card containing €5 and asks of the deceased woman: “How is she?”
The Most Unexpected Curveball pops up in Lee Daniels’s Oscar-baiting ‘The Butler’, when Cecil (Forest Whitaker) is interviewed for a job in the residence of the US President. Relieved to hear he’s not political, the maître d’ warns: “We have no tolerance for politics at the White House.”
We should give an honourable mention here to Danny Boyle’s psychological thriller ‘Trance’. Asked by hypnotist Elizabeth (Rosario Dawson) if he’s ever killed anyone, Nate (Danny Sapani) gives the Clinton-esque response: “Define ‘killed’.”
The Best Insult is delivered in Edgar Wright’s movie ‘The World’s End’, when Gary (Simon Pegg) reacts with scorn to a request by Andy (Nick Frost) for tap water during a drinking marathon in their home town. “A man of your legendary prowess drinking rain — it’s like seeing a lion eating hummus,” he says. The runner-up here features in Steven Spielberg’s ‘Lincoln’. Radical politician Thaddeus Stevens (Tommy Lee Jones) calls a colleague named Mr Wood (played by Lee Pace) a ‘perfectly-named, brainless, obstructive object’.
The Staying Cool Under Pressure gong goes to Robert ‘Bobby’ Trench, the Drug Enforcement Administration agent played by Denzel Washington in ‘2 Guns’. With nasty investigator Earl (Bill Paxton) pointing a gun at his groin screaming “Where’s our money?”, the ever-cool Mr Washington replies: “Well, it ain’t down there, I can guarantee you that!”
The gold medal in the Best Put-Down category come from Shannon Mullins, the Boston cop played by Melissa McCarthy in the odd-couple comedy ‘The Heat’. Charged $14 for a drink, she asks the bartender: “Is it magic f***ing whiskey? Do I get a motorcycle with it? Is it gonna be served in Jesus’s shoe?”
Happy New Year …