FILM REVIEW Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Left in the dark for far too long


Cinema
Daniel Carey

IN 2003, Edwin ‘Buzz’ Aldrin was interviewed by spoof TV presenter Ali G (played by Sacha Baren Cohen). The American was asked if he was jealous of fellow astronaut Louis Armstrong (sic), what kind of response he got from the people who live on the moon, and whether man would ever walk on the sun.
Ali G then asked: “What do you say to all those conspiracy theorists who come up to you and say ‘does the moon really exist’?” Clearly taken aback, Aldrin replied: “I don’t think there are very many people who question whether the moon exists. It exists.” Turning directly to the camera, Ali G then pronounced: “All right! You has heard it here! It DOES exist, so all those people out there who are saying it don’t, you is wrong!”
Aldrin (dubbed ‘my main Buzz Lightyear’ by Ali G at the end of the interview) also pops up in ‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon’, playing himself, as an equally amusing lunar conspiracy theory is trotted out. The best part of this picture – the third in Michael Bay’s long, loud series – comes early on. In an alternative history reminiscent of ‘Watchmen’, it seems that the space race began after a UFO crashed into the moon, and Messrs Armstrong (Neil, not Louis) and Aldrin were sent up to investigate the craft.
Fast forward to the present day. There’s no sign of the Decepticons (bad robots), while the Autobots (ordinary-looking cars and robots that can ‘transform’ into good robots) are helping the human race solve some of its problems.
Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBoeuf) has saved the world twice but is struggling to find a job until he ends up in the mailroom of a firm run by Bruce (John Malkovich). He’s worried about losing his English girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, an even worse actress than Megan Fox, whom she replaces in the eye-candy role) to her über-rich boss Dylan (Patrick Dempsey).
The Decepticons come back with a vengeance, and Sam’s new work-mate Gerry (Ken Jeong) gets caught in the crossfire. “A colleague is dead but looking out the window will not bring him back,” says a disappointingly under-used Malkovich as the Decepticons begin assassinating human collaborators.
Frances McDormand pops up as the US Director of National Intelligence, telling Sam: “We cannot entrust national security to teenagers, unless I missed a policy paper.” John Turturro, the best thing about ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’, makes a welcome return and goes head-to-head with real-life Fox News man Bill O’Reilly.
Other plusses? We get the voice talents of Leonard Nimoy (Spock from ‘Star Trek’) and a twist from the ‘When Good Robots Go Bad’ catalogue. Megatron, the Decepticons’ leader, blows the head off the Abraham Lincoln Memorial. And a bomb with a 30-second delay is deployed to good effect.
But the 157-minute running time is a killer. The final battle, set in Chicago, lasts for three-quarters on an hour. Admittedly, by the terribly low standards of the franchise, it’s not the most confusing conflict Bay has overseen, but boy, does it drag.
‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon’ dispenses with buildings the way ‘Hot Shots: Part Deux’ disposed of bodies. Drenched in CGI, it focus on special effects to the detriment of whatever semblance of a story is being told. You’ve heard of the war to end all wars? Well this battle just felt endless.
Mind you – and this is a compliment from the box marked ‘damning with faint praise’ – this Transformers movie is still better than the last one.

Rating 5 out of 10