Pampered city pets

Pampered city pets

A recent article in the Irish Times describes how a Dublin publisher has launched a new magazine in America – The New York Dog. Apparently, it is a huge success, catering as it does for the pampered pets of the city.
And it really seems as if this is a new step in evolution – dogs have now become the equal of humans, requiring all the same clothes, cosmetics, entertainment and spiritual instruction. Pretty soon, we can be sure, they will have surpassed us in terms of development and cute little Rex will, in actual fact, have become king. In the meantime our moral custodians will have decreed that it is extremely sinful (and probably illegal, as well) to expose the naked canine body in public.
The writer of the article deplores the backward state of Irish dogs in this context, who continue to run about just like a bunch of animals. And this is surely the time for us to step in. The Irish are never slow to adapt the customs of others and improve on them, so let us not stop at dogs, but anticipate the global trend by transmogrifying all our animals.
Castlebar Goat, for instance, would be the publication (no doubt issued locally) aimed at the goat population. And here already we are one step ahead of America in that there is a king goat firmly established in Kerry. A large industry would soon spring up supplying royal caprine equipment and cosmetic experts to pander to their every whim.
The cows would lose no time in Mooing for Mayo, as their own magazine would indicate. We already know that these animals have a taste for music, so there’s plenty of scope here for developing milking parlours with hi-fi equipment, plus the manufacture of anti-pestilent body ointment, as well as, perhaps, posters of their favourite DJs.
One of my friends has a horse which is prone to falling into bogs and High Fashion for Horses would certainly include wet suits. I can see equine spas opening up all around the country with swimming pools, in which they could exercise in comfort, while at the same time gossiping and displaying their aquatic gear and other ensembles – cloth-of-gold rugs and rainwear by Burberry’s, not to mention leopard-skin bridles with herb-flavoured bits and, naturally, every possible kind of therapeutic attention.
The Orange Ovine might well cater for sheep north and south of the border, as I’ve no doubt that the UK will be following Ireland’s lead – although they will be loathe to admit that we have usurped their position next to Uncle Sam. We would certainly be in competition though with the Longford Lamb and the Southern Sheep and now it would be shearing parlours being advertised, along with aprés-shear wear and raincoats, presumably in both orange and green. There will also be a variety of sheep shoes on offer, as don’t they suffer from foot-rot? (Or is that something else?) Sophisticated dipping facilities will be a vital requirement nationwide, with concomitant styling and blow-drying establishments. Really big business here.
The poultry section may not be quite that big, although it’s pretty ubiquitous. It will probably promulgate more of a DIY industry that will be kept up to date with Poultry Patterns, a journal devoted to knitting that farm wives can follow to dress up their charges. Laying chambers will be designed for the farmers to construct and marauder-proof houses with special fox-alarms. The latter will have to be bought, of course, along with designer pottery troughs and drinking vessels and jewel-encrusted nest-eggs… So the potential is not so small, either.
But what about Feline Fancies, or simply Catwalk? Can’t you just see the toms prancing along in leather jackets and perhaps tuxedos for evening? And the girls in feather boas and pearls? And sheepskin body-warmers for winter. With leads of silken cord please, as we strut our stuff.
I dare say the Dublin Dog is already on the shelves as this goes to press and the city’s canines are probably queuing up for a lunch date – another import from the USA, in which strangers meet up to get acquainted. And what better venue than the Dorchester dog, the promoter’s latest effort to keep pace with evolution?