HEALTH Miscarriage – the unspeakable loss

DEEP GRIEF?The grief of miscarriage can be complicated by a whole extra layer of emotions.

Miscarriage, an unspeakable loss


Mental Health
Jannah Walshe

Miscarriage is something that is said to effect a huge proportion of the population, and yet it is something that is hardly spoken about. People are often advised not to announce a pregnancy until well after twelve weeks have passed in case ‘something’ happens. But what if the ‘something’ did happen? Why is not okay to speak about it and share the loss felt? I believe it has to do with the huge amount of emotion that is connected with miscarriage.
Miscarriage is much like other losses in life, for example death of a parent, sibling, friend, pet or loss of a job and many more. They all evoke grief. To grieve is a natural and unavoidable part of any bereavement or loss. It is common to feel a whole range of feelings from intense sadness, hurt and regret to shock, fear and anger. But having a miscarriage can bring with it a whole extra layer of emotions, namely guilt and shame.
Guilt is the feeling of having done something bad. For example, with miscarriage thoughts such as ‘I let the baby die’, ‘I should have taken better care of myself’ and ‘If I didn’t _____ this would never have happened’ are common.
Shame is not about the actions taken but more about the feeling around who you are as a person. Thoughts associated with shame are ‘I am an irresponsible person’, I’m not good enough to be a mother’ and ‘I am not deserving of a baby’. These are very strong feelings and touch right into the core of what it is to be a woman.
It is widely held that conception, pregnancy and birth are an ordinary and natural part of life. Procreation is seen as a fundamental function of mankind. But, as with all things in life, there can be complications with this. Miscarriage can happen. And does happen. And the emotional implications can be devastating and long lasting.
Our role as childbearing women is seen to be to protect, grow and deliver a healthy baby. With such high expectations from the outset, it is little wonder that feelings of failure – as a mother and as a woman – are felt just as strongly as the feelings of loss. Even our language around miscarriage implicates the mother in some way. ‘She lost a baby’ as if she was irresponsible enough to lose her child as you would your keys.
Anyone dealing with fertility issues as well as miscarriage need to be extra sensitive to how difficult it can be. The same feelings apply, but they are greatly magnified. As well as treating the physical aspects of what is happening, it is advisable to get emotional support too.
None of the feelings associated with miscarriage are wrong. There are no ‘shoulds’ here. It is a natural, albeit very difficult, part of loss to feel any, all or some of what I have been describing above. It is vital that you notice when the feelings are becoming too much to cope with alone, when they are affecting your day-to-day life in an ongoing way  or when you feel stuck and unable to move forward in your life. If you feel this way, find a mental health professional who can support and guide you through this time.
Do what you can to take care of yourself. You have been wounded. Something has been taken from you. Give yourself time and space to begin healing. This can not be rushed. The feelings will lessen and become easier over time.
My focus here has been on how a miscarriage can feel for the mother. But all of what I describe is applicable also to fathers too. Fathers don’t go through the physical aspects of pregnancy or miscarriage, but that does not mean that they feel the loss of the opportunity to become a parent to the unborn child any less. Fathers often also feel they have to be strong for their partners too. Don’t forget that fathers also may need to grieve and may also want to talk about what has happened.

If you have been through a miscarriage you can access some resources through the Miscarriage Association of Ireland (www.miscarriage.ie) on 01 8735702 or info@miscarriage.ie, or A Little Lifetime Foundation (www.alittlelifetime.ie) on 01 8829030.

>  Jannah Walshe is a counsellor and psychotherapist based in Castlebar and Westport. A fully accredited member of The Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, she can be contacted via www.jannahwalshe.ie, or at jannahwalshe@yahoo.com or 085 1372528.