Off with her face

Off with her face

MUSINGS
SONIA KELLY

DOESN’T ‘Off with her face’ seem more like a command from the queen in Alice in Wonderland than advice from a modern plastic surgeon? But this is exactly what can be recommended for participants in the BBC programme Ten Years Younger.
By and large, the whole show comes across as an insult to the rest of us by engendering the belief that the natural processes of nature are unacceptable and that, unless we can afford to reverse them, it follows that we are unacceptable, too.
And who among us could afford the attention of the three celebrity practitioners on show each week – to wit, a hairdresser, a dentist and a plastic surgeon? It’s not, God knows, that most of us couldn’t do with a little improvement, but why not be more realistic? Surely there are other ways to treat rough skin than by peeling off one’s whole face? Like the regular application of Nivea. But even if such extreme treatment is not considered necessary, it is certainly de rigeur to operate on the eyes and ‘open them up’ – perhaps by re-positioning the eyebrows. The mouth and surrounds must be stretched and tautened, apparently to eliminate any nuance of expression but, above all, to facilitate the exposure of the new teeth.
For the dentist will come into his own here. Now, so far, the volunteers have had teeth with some individuality that brought their smiles alive. But, needless to say, our celebrity orthodontist will straighten out every irregularity, shorten them, crown them, whiten them, until they look as phoney as a Hollywood star’s.
Dealing with the victim’s hair is next on the agenda and, in most cases in fact, something did need to be done. But implants? To date, none have been bald; they have messed up their hair by incompetent colouring – absolutely nothing that the hairdresser round the corner couldn’t correct without having to mortgage your house to pay for it.
Additions to the wardrobe are, of course, necessary and these are overseen by the presenter, whom we assume has had her own epidermis and all its attachments renewed. Sometimes the choices work, sometimes they don’t. The predominant inspiration seems to be from the latest parade on the catwalk, rather than what expresses the wearer’s personality and what her colour type is.
Altogether, at the end of the programme, we have someone transformed into a wax model, more or less devoid of expression and in a state of denial.
Would it not be more relevant to show people who are not multi-millionaires how to avoid turning into dusts (elderly females with perms and shapeless clothes) and VOCs like myself how to make a few less drastic improvements?
Like how to apply eye shadow, say, so that,  you have little piggy eyes, also like me, they appear a bit less insignificant, and how to arrange eyebrows that are neither too hairy, or too phoney. Haircuts should be demonstrated that suit the contours of the face and it could be pointed out that hair-dye is known to be carcinogenic.
As for the teeth, it is possible to buy a spray-on preparation that will create a flashing smile and there are also pills on offer that will increase one’s hair without implants, or a scalp replacement. And do you have little brown spots on your hands? Well, hurrah, there is even a magic substance that will eliminate these!
These are the kind of hints we need, plus a little bit of extra oomph, and it’s goodbye to dust-hood!