FILM:Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

The special effects are among the few positives in ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’.

Lots of noise, but where’s the beef?


Cinema
Daniel Carey

GIVEN the surname of its lead actor, it’s tempting to encapsulate all that’s wrong with ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ in a single question: Where’s the beef?
That slogan first came to prominence in 1984 (the year Transformers first appeared on our shelves) in a burger ad, and was used to good effect by US Presidential hopeful Walter Mondale against Gary Hart in the race for the Democratic Party nomination. Since then, it has become ‘an all-purpose phrase questioning the substance of an idea, event or product’ (thank you, Wikipedia), and I found myself silently shouting it at the screen over and over again during this sequel.
In fairness to Shia LaBoeuf (for it is he), his performance – while far from stellar – is the least of this film’s trouble. It’s extremely long (a mammoth 147 minutes), and it manages the seemingly impossible task of being dull. But if you’re thinking it might offer the chance of a two-hour-plus snooze, think again, because it’s really, really loud.
Unlike others, I actually quite enjoyed the original Transformers picture. But all that was wrong with it is back in spades for the follow-up, and there’s other trouble piled on top. The plot is hard to make sense of (best of luck if you’re not a fan), while most of the fight scenes involve a mass of twisted metal as good robots take on bad robots. Call me old-fashioned, but Goliath versus Goliath was never a big draw in Biblical times, or at the cinema. Megan Fox is back as LaBouef’s love interest, scantily clad and using the pout as a way of conveying every human emotion. Is it possible to make a career based solely on FHM cover shoots? Apparently it is.
The storyline, such as it is, has Sam (LaBoeuf) going off to college, despite the misgivings of his mother and the giant robot in his garage. He lasts a day at uni and tells his class that Albert Einstein was wrong (due to some alien robot information that his privy to) before his services are required by mankind and he becomes the search of a global search by the authorities. It’s not as exciting as it sounds.
There is increased activity by the Decepticon (the bad robots), who steal something important and plan to use it to end the world (or something). The US military and the Autobots (the good robots) are having difficulty with the Presidential liaison person (a ridiculous character who seems to be there as a way of criticising Barack Obama, but like a lot of things in the movie, it’s hard to be sure). There’s a never-ending climax in Egypt, ‘Black Hawk Dawn’ with a happy ending. And robots.
As a child in the 1980s, I was a Masters of the Universe fan, but the Transformers’ unique selling point was that they were ‘robots in disguise’. Director Michael Bay seems to have little truck with this idea, and as a result, we get only one not-so-shocking example of Decepticons living up to their name.
The only saving grace of this flick is the reliably excellent John Turturro, who is the solitary reason not to hope for Armageddon. “I spent my whole life looking for aliens, and you’re carrying one around in your purse like a little Chihuahua,” he tells Fox.
Yet in ticking off a long-winded robot, Turturro’s character hits on the fundamental problem facing ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’. “Beginning. Middle. End. Condense. Tell the story,” he says impatiently. Pity the scriptwriters didn’t heed their own advice.