RESENTMENT?Misconceptions about what love means can cause relationships to falter.
My partner is not meeting my needs
Mental Matters
Jannah Walshe
At some stage in a marriage or relationship, many people feel like their needs are not being met. It is common for women to complain to their friends that their husband or boyfriend is not romantic enough – or not meeting her romantic needs. It is also common for men to complain to their friends that their wife or girlfriend never wants to have sex – or are not meeting their sexual needs.
This is precisely the problem. We are all inclined to project our own unmet needs onto the relationship. We can develop expectations within the relationship that it will become all-serving to our every need and wish. A cycle develops whereby you have a need, you expect the other to instinctively know that you have this need (some peculiar notion of the power of love), and that they will respond to it; they don’t repond to your need in a way you would like; you are disappointed and actively seek to let them know this; they become angry and defensive and so less inclined to meet the original need or any subsequent needs.
You are left feeling deflated and unloved, and so is your partner. Insidious resentment builds up and love starts to become a distant memory.
This is one of the reasons why couples want to go back to the ‘honeymoon period’ of their relationship, when it seemed like they couldn’t do enough for each other.
Many people mistakenly think that love mean all your needs being met. How often have you heard or said “If he/she really loved me, he would …”. This is not to say that the acts you are waiting on from your partner are not acts of love – they are, but only when they come from the other of their own free will and from a place of love, not because they are being ‘silently’ demanded by you.
M Scott Peck writes in his book, ‘The Road Less Travelled’, “Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other.” So, what can you do to strengthen your own individuality within the relationship and therefore help you to be together out of choice, not responsibility? Here are some good starting points.
Tips for healthy relationships
Before you give away love or receive love from another be well versed in showing love to yourself. A handy way to remember this is to think about what you would do for a friend or loved one and then do it for yourself.
Have realistic expectations. Remember your partner is not obligated to meet your needs or expectations. Recognise when you are looking for your partner to do something for you that you can do for yourself.
Be clear about what you want from your partner while remembering that they still have a choice in how they respond. Instead of waiting for your partner to be spontaneously romantic with you, how about being specific about what kind of things you like. They can then choose what they want to do with this information.
Practice acceptance. If you feel like changing something about someone else, ask yourself what change you can make instead. If you feel unappreciated, show appreciation. It is much more empowering and productive to show others how you like to be treated than to complain about what is lacking.
Be honest. If something is on your mind express it without making the other person responsible for your feelings.
If you are feeling dissatisfied in your life, don’t immediately assume something is wrong within the relationship. Look at other areas of your life where you may be able to make positive changes. When you feel secure, strong and confident in your ability to meet you own needs, it will become much clearer if your relationship is the right one for you.
Jannah Walshe is a counsellor and psychotherapist based in Castlebar and Westport. A pre-accredited member of The Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, she can be contacted via www.jannahwalshe.ie or at 085 1372528.
