A FARMING LIFE, KINDA
Jimmy Lyons
T’S reached a point where we’re not even talking about it anymore. We don’t have to. All that’s required is a shake of the head and maybe a bit of eye-rolling or an exasperated look towards the heavens.
A nod of agreement and we pass on by, shoulders drooped, eyes returning to the ground upon which our wellied feet are trudging their wearied, frustrated way. We have almost given up.
But hope, that accursed parasite, still clings grimly to our souls. “It will change, it will”, it whispers irritatingly, “there’ll be three weeks of the very best after the next full moon”. And we will ourselves to believe, because what choice have we?
Well, perhaps we have a choice. According to all the top motivational gurus in business, sport, life itself, attitude is everything. If you believe you can do it, then you will do it.
So why not try a bit of attitude changing with regard to something which has a profound effect on our day-to-day existence, the … – sorry, I just can’t bring myself to utter it, let’s just call it the W.
First of all, we will have to admit that there is a serious amount of denial going round regarding the W. You’d think the equator was going straight through the Bog of Allen the way we carry on.
No sooner does the mercury start to creep into the teens than we commence preparations for the inevitable summer-long heat wave that’s on the way, just like, y’know, the ones we have had every year since records began.
We resurrect the t-shirts and baggy shorts, the belly tops, the bikinis and unikinis. We even go out and buy new accoutrements! (It’s incredible, really, isn’t it?). The wellies, the W-proofs, the umbrellas are all put away as if we’ll never experience a drop of dampness ever again.
And the very next day there is sheer panic when we look out through the streaming windows, and we can’t remember where we left what should be always be on red alert, ready to be pressed into action at the drop of a hat. Or rather, at the donning of a hat.
So, let’s always keep at the back … no, no, sorry, at the front of our minds that we are more likely in any given year, month, week, day, even hour, I would suggest, to experience inclement rather than clement W and have in readiness the wherewithal to carry on regardless. This would be a major step in the direction of accepting the reality of our situation.
Secondly, of course, we farmers, as per usual, must do our patriotic duty and take a lead in effecting a sea-change (deepest apologies for the watery image) in the mind-set of our countrymen. Here is what I suggest:
• The mandatory fitting of maximum size balloon tyres to all farm machinery. (Assistance may be provided for these major changes of course)
• Money to be pumped into research into crops which can prosper in 6-12 inches of water, and methods of harvesting them with helicopters, light aircraft, hang gliders and hyper-extendable cranes
• Teagasc courses throughout the land in ‘The Art of Conversation with Nary a Mention of the W’. (I would suggest that Brendan McWilliams not be approached to act as consultant)
• Special House Improvement Grants to be introduced for the construction of a ‘Wet Room’ adjacent to or as an extension to all farmhouses. These rooms to include facilities for showering/hosing down of all prospective incomers, changing clothing from outdoor/wet mode to indoor/snug-and-dry mode, storing of Wellingtons etc.
• Organise ‘rain appreciation’ courses (and camps for the youthful amongst us – indoctrination works best the younger you get’ em). Get us out there acclaiming the wonder of precipitation, let us raise our faces to the Niagara-type cascades and immerse ourselves in them, body and soul (dress will be optional for this, though common sense should be the deciding factor).
• All farm occupiers, especially the young ’uns, must be taught how to swim, as it is becoming increasingly obvious that such a skill may be required on farms in the future, what with climate change and everything else that is going on. Attractive rates available from local leisure centres, especially for groups.
• Finally, block book for the next ten years the same two weeks for a holiday in a country where they is good reason for the natives to expect good W, i.e. anywhere in the general vicinity of where the equator actually is. You will get a great deal and, more importantly, guarantee yourself 14 days of real summer per annum – at least twice the average amount you have experienced in you life thus far.
You will also save yourself that heart-wringing battle with your conscience every January when you wonder if you should stay in Ireland this year, ‘you know, it’s hard to beat it if you get the W.’ YOU WON’T GET THE W, SO JUST GET OVER IT, OK.
